Wednesday, December 23, 2020

Paling random la ni

So, this is kinda random. Tiba-tiba teringat sama blog. Dan since efbi, inzta and wazep kinda down right now and I dont have twider, so yeaah. Blog it is! Haha. K not funny 

So I have a lot in my mind lately. Terlalu banyak. Sampai overload. I dont know la if ada ka orang yang kenal aku baca blog ni. Tapi aku cuba la juga tapis supaya ndak obvious betul. Aku masih ada trauma yang aku perlu atasi. 

Aku ada terlalu banyak ketakutan. Aku lama suda ndak drive, aku ada sleep disorder, hoarding disorder. Macam macam la. And I dont know how to fix it. I am anxious in the day because aku tahu aku masih... apa nama benda tu, bertangguh. Apa BI dia ya, urghh. Sel otak pun macam getting rusty, constipation? No.. tu sembelit. Ah, google la kejap. *open another tab. 

Ok dapat. PROCRASTINATION !! Lol. 

Aku torn between. Satu part diri aku rasa macam dying untuk habiskan master ni. Satu part aku lagi terpaksa juga habiskan master ni. Dan for whatever reason, its not for myself.  *cries

Benda yang aku struggle. Sebab akal, jasad dan hati tidak selari. Sampai aku rasa, boleh ka aku yg kena terminate ja. 😣 I have physical support but mentally? I am all alone. Like super duper alone.  I try to bersangka baik, ber feeling baik, tapi sampai bila aku dapat tipu diri aku. Sampai bila. 

Aku ndak dapat manifest good things. Huu

==================this draft was written in 2019
**update 

23/12/2020 I am surprised I didnt write about my encounter with my bro and instead I wrote this haha. 

Friday, October 5, 2018

ALL ABOUT YOU (encore)

Hai. So, I have written ALL ABOUT YOU post in 2014. Sebab aku, ndak pernah jumpa orang macam kau bro. And I cherish every memory that we have, within such a limited time. Masa aku taip tu 2014, time aku rindu gila gila. And kau tau ka blog, sebenarnya aku ada jumpa dia, pada hujung tahun 2015 rasanya. Aku pergi rumah dia. Aku kan si Kotak, penyimpan segala kotak yang ada. Bro kan pernah bagi aku hadiah masa Birthday dan Hari Raya, thankfully I still have your address attached to it.

I still remembered almost 90% of our conversation that day. But really, I am just so stocked to see you in front of my eyes. Haha macam cringe ja ayat ni. But hey, you have been missing for like 2 to 3 years masa tu. You gain a slight weight masa tu, but thats not the point. You still have that same calm and subtle voice, the same brotherly tone. I thought I was going to cry when I meet you, nasib baik la tidak nangis. But bro, typing this memories shed tears to my eyes. Because I missed you so much. Masa tu, aku thankful sangat kau masih hidup, lol over. And nasib masa tu tiada parent mu di rumah. Kita chit chat ja d ruang balkoni rumah mu tu. And as if God given us the time, ngam time aku pulang, baru parent mu datang.

Masa tu aku ndak sampai hati mo tanya kenapa kau sanggup menghilang dengan begitu drastik, poof! Begitu ja kau hilang. Kau cakap kau lupa password FB, handphone mu selalu rosak. Uhuhu. And like a fool, aku "ooo" kan ja. I know you have said sorry many times and aku cakap "ndak pa"

Tapi....aku sedih sebab aku rasa macam aku akan lost contact with you forever. Bro bagi aku number telefon tapi bro ndak pernah reply. Ndak dapat di call pun. Masa kita jumpa tu, I felt the warm hospitality, I see you are still the same bro that I used to know, only... you seem to be in such a.. apa ya.. macam low confidence? Like you really just want to be invisible. I know you dont like to be taken picture and all, its your choice and who am I to judge.

Yet, I..maybe aku yang terlalu clingy kan bro. To you. I always pray for you whenever aku teringat bro. You are such a kind person, a kind brother that anyone could have. And I am so honoured to have a place in your heart to be your sister from another mother. I stopped reading Hlovate because I know it will only make me misses you more. We have our own codes sentence for anything and we always have the same date everyday dulu di phone masa cuti. It will always be lepas maghrib. Then ada break sebab bro akan makan dengan family. Then sambung lagi around 9pm begitu sampai la before 11pm ka 10pm. Coz u have curfew and you do sleep early.

During my asasi day and you are in INTEC, our conversation become haywire. Kadang tengah pagi, kadang sebelum atau selepas Subuh. Kau tau bro, masa dulu kan kalau buka chat FB di laptop, kalau ada titik hijau kan maknanya online, aku selalu tengok kalau kau ada online, mesti aku chat. Haha, clingy berabis bha.

Sebab masa ASASI tu memang crazy year, I have good company, dorang Mira Farahin semua, and dalam masa yang sama, bro pun ada. I still kept our conversation di messenger FB tu. ndak la dapat semua, tapi ada. I just missed the care from you when you said " Dont worry your little head sis"

sebab aku selalu perisau, even now. A habit yang aku susah mau ubah. I missed our random conversation about life. I missed the joy when you write an alien word that I have to google or just directly ask you for an answer. I miss that.

Blog, nanti next week kalau aku terjumpa lagi orang yang rupa macam bro tu, aku akan tegur dia. I need to know the truth. So, kalau salah ka, betul ka, aku bagitahu sini. I wish it will be him. Please....

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